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I took the day off on Friday so Richard and I could hang out and do something fun. We are�big fans of zoos, so we decided to head up to Waco.�It has a great little zoo located near downtown in Cameron Park. The zoo is fairly well-maintained and has a decent variety of animals. We had a great lunch with our friends Dave and Brandon and then decided to hit the zoo for a couple of hours. After that, Richard and I headed over to the zoo. We had a good time walking around in the beautiful weather (it is finally feeling like autumn in Texas). Being fans of photography, we both brought our cameras and took lots of pictures of the animals. Richard got some really great close-up shots; especially of the animals eyes. Cool, but creepy. :)

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Here i am awake and itapos;s early morning again journal...lol...

Last night was the Fall Halloween Carnival as they call it...we�had to decorate for it and plan it all out in a few hours time yesterday so that was fun....i didnapos;t even have a Halloween costume by 4:00pm and it started at 7:00pm so�me,�Eli�, and�Monica�drove into town and bought a few things...he�thought up�the idea�for us to be indian outlaws...haha...well iapos;d have to be a half breed�indian outlaw and he of course was the full blood, and Monica she doesnapos;t have any indian blood but she ended up being one anyway..haha......i always remember seeing a photograph of some indians from way�back and this one indian in the picture was wearing a sort of top-hat with a feather sticking out�of it..i think it looked cool so�i found a top-hat at the costume store in�the mall and we made it �look old and dirty and made a hole in it and Eli had some feathers so i stuck one in it on the side and let my hair down...lol...it looked good...we made up the clothes with whatever we could find at home and at the costume store we found these eye costume�contacts that had a picture of a moon, star and the back ground of some mountains on them so we all bought a pair of those...those are so cool and when we got them on, it looked so wicked looking at our eyes..like a picture on your eyes..haha...we had fake guns we carried around and we got into detail..it was a lot of fun...he kept laughing about him being Apache and me being part Cherokee and running in an outlaw gang together....haha......He goes:�"�Damn, now all we need is a Comanche and a Kiowa and it will be complete "�

�
Now when Amanda showed up in her costume i could not stop laughing...she had dressed up like our dad...LOL� she had the clothes, the tattoos drawn on her arms and hand, her hair pulled up back under a hat to make�it look short like his haircut, and she walked in smoking a fake cigarette...haha... everybody just died laughing and she had his mannerisms and everything down perfect..she walks up to me and goes:�"�Iapos;m fixing to kick somebodyapos;s ass..�"�......haha ...His girlfriend was there and she took a picture to send him in New Mexico..heapos;ll love that..she kept saying:�"�Aww, i think you girls miss your dad donapos;t you�? " and we�go:�"�Yeah�"�and she says:�"�Well, i know he misses you a lot..heapos;s going to�call�you tomorrow.�"��made�us kind of�sad ...

So after the carnival was over we go outside and get to my car and Harrell had silly stringed my ENTIRE�car..and Amyapos;s..lol...he wrote on them with that window chalk:�"�Yours Truly,�Scarrell Harrell�"�...haha..so we called Brenna and told her we were going to get back at him and she laughed and told us he was half way across town..we went and got silly string, shaving cream, and toilet paper and put it all over his house and trees in his yard �...we laughed while we did it and we wrote:�"�Guess Who ?�"�on his front door window..heapos;s going to have a hard time getting that stuff off there and out of those trees�...lol...it was fun doing that...


Pancakes at 1:00am..once again.
After all that it was 1:00am and Amanda wanted to go to IHOP(thatapos;s her fun�thing to do)�and wear her costume inside...so we all went to IHOP�this morning at 1:00am in our costumes...LOL� those people in there are all drunk anyway so they just laughed or stared...haha..Amanda pretended to be our dad the whole time and she looks at me when we got our pancakes and she says talking like him:�"�Young lady� do you know what time it is�? It is 1:45am� what in�the hell are you doing out this time of night.?..you better get your smart self home RIGHT�NOW�.." ....we are all�borderline insane...haha it was funny though she kept�pretending to be him...

Today we are going to church with grandma because she wants us to spend the day with her and have sunday dinner at her house..iapos;m taking a nap today for sure...i need one.
so anyway journal that was my saturday...










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I love love love love fall time.
I was freezing my my bed a few moments ago when I realized, "Hey, I have a huge hoodie in my closet."
So, I got it out and now I am a happy camper. I am warm and I am comfortable.

I'm trying to get my homework done for the week so that tomorrow, I can wake up early to take an exam.
From there, I might call Justin and see if he wants to see my face at a paintball tournament thingy he's going to in a neighboring town (near me).
He said he'll be taking photos. I want to see him close to his element.

And I'd get to meet Shane... A Marine photographer that Justin talks about all the time and said something about introducing me to. If he's cute, I'll report back to all of you.

Anyway, I have a date early-ish in the afternoon with my Megan and Lyrika at the firehouse. They're putting on some special program for the kiddies and Lyrika loves fire trucks. :-)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have to get back to summarizing articles for Enivronmental Science. If I can get about 3 more of these puppies knocked out tonight, I'll almost be caught up. Almost.

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I havenapos;t written a poem, a story, or anything in forever. Now I have the urge to do it again. I only do when Iapos;m really down. Now I physically feel awful, and I donapos;t know if itapos;s because of all the stress rolling around in my head, the memories, or... Actually something physical. Who knows. I slept through four alarms this morning. And my mom trying to call me 14 times, with my phone blaring right under my head. Iapos;m such a fucking idiot.

Hair appointment. Call. Gotta do that.

I donapos;t know, I should do homework. I just cleaned my room to procrastinate from doing homework. I need to clean my closet. But I no longer have the energy to.
My sister got gum in her hair today. Joyous me got to get it out, because my mom was too busy reading her fucking book, and my dad is at work. I think him getting a job is a good thing... But once again, Iapos;m the mom. If I wanted to be a fucking mom Iapos;d go bang everyone I saw. Bahhh.

Tired. Sleepy. Eternal sleep? I so wish.

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Well to start off it seems that weapos;ve done this so much for the past what year and a half or so (getting high every friday that is) that if we arent together it just happens that we get stoned. Itapos;s like our curse. Im pretty sureyou were pretty stoned out of your mind. Or drunk, im thinking drunk for some reason. Either way. Its like it s friday thing/

on a side note. Omg coming up the stairs was the all time biggest mission iapos;ve ever encountered. I had no balance while holding my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and my milk and my laptop. And i couldnapos;t remember which step i was on so i almost flipped like 3 times. Then i almost tipped slowly over the railing and almost fell to my death. Then when i got to the top i couldnapos;t find my door so i was scaling the wall feeling with my foot(while wobbling over cause the balance issue) because my hands were full.�


POT :)

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So I finally have a friday night and WHOLE saturday of freedom Iapos;m so excited.� I have no idea what I going to do tomorrow.� Tonight I know Ray and Alan and perhaps Graham are coming over and weapos;re having a movie marathon, which Iapos;m really excited about- Rayapos;s bringing a bunch of movies, and Iapos;m forcing him to watch Some Like it Hot and The Constant Gardener.� I�know those movies have nothing in common, but theyapos;re both amazing, and Ray hasnapos;t seen either of them, which I find incredible because theyapos;re so him.
Tomorrow I think Iapos;m going to juice up my camera and go have a photo shoot with the campus.� I love fall in Bloomington� Today is cool and crisp with blue skies- how lovely.� Iapos;m in the mood to go for a nice long walk in the woods.� Not really, because today at work, I stepped on a short screw and basically stabbed the sole of my foot, which is now swollen and hurts like a bitch, but the idea is nice.�


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"I think I am selfish too, and I have backed you into a corner time and again so that
I donapos;t loose you and instead I have suffocated you. Thatapos;s not how it should be, I want
to help you be free, not cage you in."

Today I wrote this in class while thinking about one of my closest friends whom I am pretty sure I have nearly pushed too far. She made mention that maybe she is being selfish in this and I donapos;t really think so, rather she has been a phenomenal example of patient grace. But I do know that I have been selfish, making unfair demands. So tonight I am writing because I want to admit my insufficiency, my disappointment, and voice my desire for something better.

My insufficiency is that I fear loosing people I care for, maybe it is a fear of abandonment? I think it stems from when I was separated from my mom and sister and was taken to Colorado with my Dad. I was subject to a sort of loneliness that was deep and hurtful as a young teen and still haunts today.

I am confused on what I should do. I really cherish the friendship, it is terribly important to me. However I also want to break this cursed cycle, I want to face down this fear. The fear of being abandoned, cast aside, and forgotten. I canapos;t help but think some time away surely would relieve the pressure on my friend which is caused by me, and maybe it would give me the chance to truly separate myself so that I could also face this fear and conquer it. Maybe then I could come back to my dear friend in the future with my wounds healed and share something with no underlying fear or regret.

She is worthy of a friendship like that. Selfish or not.

Lord, help me to release her from my chains of fear, I can not stand to pull her down another instant. My sweet Jesus, my Savior, with your healing hands would you please save me from my fear of abandonment as well. Oh God I believe, help my unbelief.
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